Birthday Reflections

23. In 24 hours I've gone from a carefree Taylor Swift song of "Happy, free, confused, and lonely" to a Blink 182 song of "Nobody likes you when you're 23, what's my age again?"
On my birthday I take a moment to try to reflect on ways I've changed, things I've done, and how I can improve myself in the following year. I won't share it all, but here are a few things I think this year has taught me.

• Solitude-Post graduation of college seems to be a scary abyss for everyone. Going from the virtual reality of a senior in college, feeling on top of the world, to being on the bottom of the barrel at a new job, new school, or new place can leave you feeling alone and afraid. Not being surrounded by the constant, resounding influence of friends at college, being without the inundation of social media,  and social events leaves much more time to learn and reflect on yourself. What do I want? What do I need to do? Without the fear of what other will think, how they will react, or what will make everyone else happy. There is a difference between being selfish and taking pride in yourself. Learning to say no, even when its hard, and learning that making other people happy is not always the best option for yourself. I have come closer to a happy medium of what I want, and what others expect of me. I only have to answer to myself, and consider the opinions of those who truly care. 
• Friendships-After college you find those who are your true friends. The non-situational friends who will be there for you, no matter the cost. It hurts to think of the friendships that have faded or that I have lost. The people you swore you'd be friends with forever, somehow seem to have disappeared...but it is so much sweeter to find all the true friends that life has given me. I've learned to say no to the toxic people, the ones who will only bring you down. To the men who think the only way to communicate is to make superficial comments. It's learning to stop giving so much and caring too deeply about those who won't do the same for you. I am so incredibly grateful for the true friends I have. The quality, not the quantity. I'd be lost without all of you. I appreciate the wonderful relationships I do have, and look forward to making more.
• To be more outgoing- there is nothing to lose if you just say "Hi". It's better to make a point to say hello to a person, even if they don't remember you. I'd rather be remembered as a weirdo than not nice, and you never know what you can learn from a conversation with someone new. There's so many opinions and perspectives out there you may have never thought of. Let people in--I've learned to learn more from others.
• Independence-There is something beautiful about knowing you are responsible for your own life, and nobody else can change that. Having control of your own finances and your own responsibilities leaves you with much less stress. When you leave yourself with nobody to depend on in these respects you must find the way to be sure you're handling situations responsibly. 
• Prioritizing-Knowing what has to come first. Seeing the bigger picture, as opposed to the immediate gains. Knowing that taking the time study every day will help me in the end more than will watching Netflix. 
• Organization and cleanliness-I've learned how much more productive I am in a clean environment. Cleaning my apartment twice a week, making sure my car is clean, and even silly things like flossing my teeth each night have changed my outlook and productivity. 
• Initiative-I've stopped waiting for things to come my way, and hoping for the best. My future is in my hands. I have to show the world what I've got, and what I'm willing to do with it. I try to do something each day to make myself feel as if I'm getting closer to my short term and long term goals.
• Shining bright-I am a hard worker. Even when I've been taken advantage of, I want to keep working hard and doing my best. I've seen myself work from the bottom up, and gain responsibility quicker than expected. I know I still have to work on saying no, and not being taken advantage of, but I won't ever let it dim my spirit in the workplace. I'll put my best effort to any and all responsibilities I have. If you're going to do something, be the best at what you do, no matter how lowly it may seem. Learn from every situation, find the good in it, and build yourself and others up with your kind and helpful spirit. Those are words of advice to myself. You make a greater impact on everyone if you are kind and hardworking; I found this true at 22.
• Self worth-As cliche as it is, I found that I am my only competition. I realized how much I love running when I stopped doing it to look a certain way, and started doing it to reach my own mileage goals. I stopped comparing myself to others and started being happy with what I CAN do, and what I will do. It's nice not having anything to prove to anyone but yourself, half marathon...here I come!
• Encouragement-I've learned to feel better about myself by building up others. Being there for people instead talking behind their backs. Not being pessimistic, and not complaining so much about my minuscule problems, instead being proactive about fixing them. Realizing that my attitude and actions have an affect on others. I'm still working on this, but its baby steps.
• Taking defeat and learning the path isn't always the one we'd choose-The hardest thing for me this year was the panic of not knowing where my life was headed. The stab I felt when I realized I needed to take the MCATs again (Dramatic, but true). Knowing I wouldn't be starting medical school right away, but a masters instead. Knowing I have to support myself. It was all so scary when I first found things wouldn't go my way. I am so happy that things didn't go my way...because I know God has me on a path that's bigger than what I can imagine. Though it hurts sometimes to feel as if you aren't living up to your own standards, I have to remind myself that nobody is disappointed in me but ME. I'll get to where I'm supposed to be. I know now that one set back isn't the end of the world, even if it seems to consume us at the time. There's worse things in life than taking the MCAT twice and not getting into med school when you wanted to. In the grand scheme, I'll look back on these times and know why things fell into place the way they did. That's just something I'll have to leave to God.

In this year I reflect and don't think I did too much worth commending. However, I had a job that I learned a ton from, I got to be an Aunt and have an amazing time being with my nephew almost every day, I became and aunt again and now have a new nephew who I can't wait to meet, I've started my masters and gotten involved on this campus, made new friends, learned so much about how to stand up for myself and be sure that I'm caring for ME, I've seen births and deaths, marriages and break ups, I've grown closer to family and friends, and I've learned so much from others. Most importantly, I think I've become more comfortable with myself. I've had low points that only led to high ones. I have so much to learn, so much to improve on, and so many goals to reach. I am grateful for where I am, and every situation and individual who has led me to become this 23-year-old self. I look forward to what God has in store for me this coming year. Cheers to 23!