On social media lately I see a million articles about love, dating, relationships, etc. Everyone has an opinion on how to find "the one", how to be "the one". Everyone has their perspective on what a good relationship entails, and how to flee from a bad one.
My question...what about us? What about ME? What about finding ourselves without anyone else? How about we become so sure about who we are and what we want that we don't need somebody's blog (like mine) to tell us the qualities of the right guy or girl. People found the proper mates long before social media told them how to.
Just because we date people doesn't mean we have to give them our whole soul each time. If we are confident enough in ourselves that we won't base our happiness or goals on any relationship, strong enough that nobody will come in and completely break or change us, knowing enough that each date doesn't mean forever, then why not see what's out there?
What is it about falling for people that we crave? Maybe it’s that rush of connection, when you realize you can have an easy conversation…someone gets your sarcasm or whit and can throw it back at you, and immediately your mind spins to wondering if they’ll ask for your number and continue the banter electronically. I think it’s our own ego half the time. Hey, this person thinks I’m cool. That deserves them a chance.
Whatever it is, I’m obsessed with that feeling.You hate it in the moment…the uncertainty. After though, the butterflies are missed. This doesn’t happen often with me. When it does, it’s usually with a guy who gets me on a surface level. He’s polite and respectful. He’s his own person with his own ideals. He understands my humor and can give it back to me. He is someone who gets my quirks, and has his own. He has similar interests as mine, and can appreciate them…yet has his own interests and passions that I want to know more about. He's his own person without a woman. This person must understand my ambition, appreciate my path, and have a driven, ambitious attitude and path of their own. I don’t care what you want to be, just want to be it, and want to work to be the best at it.
I guess that’s just it. These bits may seem deep, but they’re actually extremely surface. These are just qualities, but there is a lot behind the qualities, experiences, mistakes, that made them this way. It’s easy to see how people present themselves upfront. They can say they have the same views on relationships as you, seem very open and non-judgmental, seem like a happy person…but they could be just great at putting on a show. That’s why we don’t get married after the first date. There’s so much more to people than what they say.
Obviously, there’s deal breakers that would not pass the check point of getting me onto a first date. If they pass those, that I previously mentioned, then it’s easy to say yes. On the other hand, if they are pompous and talk over me while pretending they give a damn about anything besides my booty then it’s not going to happen.
I feel like a Robert Palmer song, instead of being “Addicted to Love” I’m more addicted to getting to know people and to them getting to know me. Analyzing them. This goes for new friendships as well. I love that spark, that moment when you realize you connect with someone. It could be something as small as a love for Michael Jackson, or as big as your views on spirituality. It can even be your points of disagreement, but realizing you can have a structured debate with a person that only teaches you more about them, their point of view, and their willingness to hear you out. Their ideas, their experiences, their outlook. It’s that feeling that you get of connection, of learning from someone, of knowing they're learning from you. That’s not love though, that’s learning.
When it comes down to it, I’m so afraid to be in love. I’m afraid to be committed and I’m afraid to be long term. Not because I want to be with many people, I don't. I’ve been hurt in the past, I’ve been belittled and muted, I’ve hurt others. I don’t think I’m afraid of heartbreak…because I am able to move on easily, because I know myself. What I’m most afraid of is mediocrity. Of “love”, of hanging out with the same person every day, of running out of ways to connect, of knowing always when that person will call, of comfortability. When you hold hands and look into each others’ eyes and don’t feel a butterfly. I understand, this is what inevitably happens. I know, there are beautiful benefits, I know eventually I will want this, but right now I’m not ready for it. I’ve been in long term relationships, I’ve said “I love you” all too often, but I don’t know if I meant it. If I meant it, I would’ve fought harder for it, found reasons to stay, found the richness of the comfortability after the excitement fades. There’s so much beauty in marriage, I know when I find the right person I’ll find that. I know that’s what I want in the long run. Maybe when that happens I won’t clam up at the first sign of comfortability, and step back as soon as they seem to be stepping forward.
For now, I’m finding me. On my journey to find me, and exactly what I want, I’m learning from others. Why not go on a million dates? Why not make a million new friends? Why not spend Saturday nights alone, learning about yourself? Find what you want, what you don’t, and someone you wouldn’t mind spending forever with. I have no idea who that is, so I’m enjoying the ride.